Love

Ourselves After Trauma

/ D.C. Jay / 2 Comments

Have you lived through trauma?

I once attended a workshop, where I was required to do that ‘introduce yourself to the group’ thing. I’ve always hated that, usually sticking to a short ‘name, rank and serial number’ type of short speech. For some reason (perhaps it was just the right time), I found myself for once, opening my mouth without a censor.

So I said ‘Who am I? Good question. I’m still learning the answer to that myself. I have changed. I am not the woman I used to be. I refuse to be scared anymore. Scared that people won’t like me if I’m real. I’m not going to hide anymore. I won’t do only what is expected of me and I won’t stay in a box of my own construction. I am breaking out of that prison and I’m never going back.’

Encouraged by the reception I got, I shared a little more of myself. Who I am now, having gone through my own personal traumas. The opinions and approval of others is no longer a necessity in order for me to function. I don’t measure my worth by anyone’s standard but by own. I allow myself to be seen. The authentic, real me, not the woman who measured every word, afraid of narrowed glances and disapproval.

(Photo from pics-about-space.com)
I don’t care anymore. My self-worth is based on what I think of myself, not on what other people think. I’m a bit of a rebel and I no longer apologize for that. I’m happy. But that’s incidental because even if I wasn’t, there’d be no going back. I will never again be who I once was because of everything I’ve experienced.

The thing is, life’s challenges shatter and open us. And like seeds, we can grow from the opening.

The death of a child, spouse or parent, a serious illness or accident, escaping an unhealthy, abusive relationship, overcoming an addiction, surviving huge financial loss, the ending of a relationship that forced us to face who we really are instead of who we were pretending to be; these and other similar events change us. We live through them and if we are open enough, they leave us altered.

These challenges force us to pause and reassess. They get our attention and make us re-evaluate everything. Where we are in our lives. Who we are, and who we want to be ‘beneath the mask’ as Christopher Monte put it.

We are shaken up. After my life seismically shook, I wanted personal change. Not to become someone else, but to be a better version of myself. To re-connect with the compassionate, creative me. Flawed but unique. And worthwhile.

I wasn’t the same anymore and I needed to get in touch with this new woman.

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Crises happen for a reason. Losses change us. Pain alters us. We grow from being forced to break open.

Of course there are exceptions. People who cannot or will not accept the potential of transformation. They remain closed and that is their choice. But they are missing a trick.

Our energy changes through crises. And the energy of the people around us changes in unconscious response.

A friend lost a daughter. She told me her entire family dynamics changed when her daughter died. You can’t lose a child or a spouse and not be changed forever at your innermost centre.

If you have a loved one, whether friend or family, whom you are trying to support through a traumatic life-event, accept that they will not emerge unaltered. They will be different to the person you used to know, so you have to accept that.

The extent and nature of the change will depend on them. They may grow through the experience. Or they may spiral out of control. But for the most part, they will be less likely to conform. They will probably refuse to allow anyone to push them into decisions, or to toe the line. To do what they ‘should.’ You may hear them say ‘I don’t care anymore’ or ‘Life’s too short.’ They will be different. It’s common for loved ones to find themselves saying ‘What’s going on? This isn’t you.’ Wrong. This isn’t who they were.

I have no doubt that the path I am now on is far greater than I could ever have envisioned before the trauma that fired me.

Image result for seed cracking open

(Photo from tinybuddha.com)

You must accept the new them if you want to keep them in your life. Give your support to this new person. Love them for them. This person was forged in a fire, born out of deep trauma and pain.

They are on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth towards their most authentic self. Towards who they really are.

Who I really am.

 

~

 

We Can All Be That Person

/ D.C. Jay / 2 Comments

It’s Christmas time and it can feel as if the whole World is joyful. Except for you. That no-one can understand your sadness, especially now. That you are so alone.

Please, hold on.

Not everything has a reason that can be found or seen and you can drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of some things. Sometimes, things simply are. There is no reason and it can be a waste of time and energy to seek it. Some things are beyond ‘fixing.’ They cannot be mended or put right. They must be endured and borne.

Bearing them is painful. It’s a form of grieving. And grief is brutal. Harsh. Raw. But we have to walk through it. Even though when it hurts, it’s an open wound which for the longest time seems impossible to heal.

Walk through it.

Whether it’s the end of something, a marriage, a friendship, an affair; or the loss of a loved one, or a livelihood; or whether it’s being forced to face betrayal from someone close, it is devastating. Debilitating. We feel as if we’ve been kicked in the guts. Keep breathing, a moment at a time. Those moments add up.

Walk through it.

These terrible, hurtful experiences do in some cases lead to personal growth. But it is simply not true that in order to grow we have to smile through awful pain. It can leave us so wounded and depleted, it’s all we can do for a time to just keep on breathing. We don’t live through that shadowy time. We exist. But we endure. We go on. We grieve.

Loss; of health, loved ones, friendships and more, has not magically improved me as a human being. At times it has done the reverse. I have felt embittered. Resented people. Hated them. I’ve felt some of the softness within me turn to hardness. There is no comforting ‘trade-off’ as a reward for the pain.

I am more aware of the pain of others but also more inclined to protect myself. I feel a certain cynicism. And I’m far less patient, especially with people who it seems have led a charmed life, untouched by worry or trauma. This is intensified at Christmas.

The pain from my painful experiences won’t disappear, but I’ve harnessed its energy and I use it. I’ve dug deep and written it into my work and my life. But it would feel disrespectful and trite to say I ‘needed’ the bad experiences in order to become who I am. Like trivialising the loss of my loved ones. Or the battles fought by others, similar to my own, who may not have made it through. So far.

I don’t have enough arrogance to believe that I was ‘spared’ just so that I could ‘help’ others in some way. And it certainly has nothing to do with strength, or taking responsibility, because others are stronger and more responsible than I could ever be. But too often, I’ve heard people in pain being told to ‘take responsibility’ for their feelings in order to get better and it makes me mad!

You don’t ‘take responsibility’ for losing a loved one, or for having cancer, or for being assaulted or betrayed.

You take responsibility for what you do afterwards. For your own actions and your own life. But you don’t choose whether or not you grieve. That hell is within. There’s no escape. We cannot control the uncontrollable. At this time of year that can feel simply too much to endure.

So what can we do when we’re in the midst of so much pain? Either experiencing it or seeing it in a loved one?

We can avoid the trite easy fixes. The ‘pull yourself together/it’ll get better/it’ll make you stronger/we’ve all been there’ toxic rubbish.

By repeating the cliches, however well-meaning we are, we’re denying the person who is suffering, whether a loved one or ourselves, the right to feel. To be angry. To grieve. And that takes away from someone who is already depleted, just when they are weakest.

I’ve been brought to my knees by grief at times. It’s overwhelming. So draining I thought at my lowest that all hope was gone. That it would literally kill me. I am not the same as before the grief. In some ways that is good but in others, not so much.

The ones who helped me, who really, really, helped me, who saved me-were the ones who sat with me. Who were simply there. When it would have been so easy to run for the hills.

They didn’t have answers. They didn’t ‘fix’ me. They stayed with me and gave me their greatest gift. Themselves. Their presence. A shoulder. An ear. A hug.

I survived grief-no, I AM SURVIVING grief-because people loved me. To some; my husband and my best friends, I owe the most, because they were there the most. But all helped and all played their part. They loved me without words. They suffered with me, and gave me their presence, even when I was at my worst and least lovable. They stayed. They loved me enough to be willing to cry with me. Hold me. Suffer with me. Open themselves up in the least comfortable ways. Bleed too.

It may have been a morning of their life. An hour of their day. A few minutes of their night. They have no idea how vital, how powerful that time was.

Change and growth have happened for me, because I have been allowed to grieve. Grief does not block or damage. It isn’t an obstacle.

Yet in our society ‘grief’ is treated as a problem. To be ‘got over.’ People are embarrassed by it. They don’t know what to say, how to react. They are desperate to make it go away. To cure it. But grief is not a problem, it is necessary. Normal. Healthy. Essential. We instinctively try to avoid it because it’s painful. We even try to ignore it.

So when you’re faced with tragedy, you find that people often simply disappear. Or worse-they trot out all those old easy clichés.

What can we do? What can we offer to someone in all that pain?

Well for a start don’t try to make it go away. The last thing they want or need is to be ‘fixed,’ to have their pain minimalised or trivialised by your ‘good intentions.’ For someone who is suffering, it takes great courage to venture anywhere near to other people. They can be so crass, so unintentionally cruel.

What you CAN do, is let them know that you are there, available to them.

You can say, ‘I am here. I am with you.’ And mean it. Be there with them.

Be with them. You don’t have to actively ‘do’ anything. Being present, willing to suffer alongside them, is incredibly valuable.

Simply showing acceptance, acknowledging grief, is so powerful and such an unselfish and powerful act of love towards another. You need no special training courses, no extra skills. Just to care enough to be present for as long as you’re needed. There is no time limit on grief and anyone who tries to tell you that there is never had a piece of their heart ripped out, leaving an open, bleeding wound.

Just be there. Even when it feels awkward. When you feel useless. Stay. You are so vital at those times. This is where the recovery and the healing starts. When others are willing to share the pain. When they will grieve alongside us.

When you are in pain, when you need such people, please, dig deep and find enough motivation to ensure you find them. They are there, but you may need to look hard. If you feel totally alone, go to your GP. Ring a helpline. Love yourself enough to get the help.

And if you don’t need someone to be there with you right now, if you’re lucky enough not to be grieving, then please look around you and if someone else does- please be that person.

 

5 Ways To Survive A Narcissist

/ D.C. Jay / 2 Comments

Survive That Narcissistic Relationship

There’s another buzz word doing the rounds at the moment, I’ve noticed.

Narcissist

I understand the temptation, for anyone to jump at what they see as a solution to a complex problem. ‘Aha!’ they might think. ‘That explains why my partner is so difficult to live with. That’s why my daughter is so vain. He/she is a narcissist!’

But we need to beware of this modern worlds easy labelling of complex issues.

Thankfully, like most other personality types, narcissism has a spectrum. Picture a linear progression from zero to ten. Extreme narcissists may score ten, but even a five or six type can be difficult to live with, and cause all kinds of problems.

They are often charming individuals; as my mother would say ‘Great in small doses.’ But in a relationship, they can be damaging.I don’t say this lightly; it is born of my experience as a therapist and also as someone who has had relationships with narcissists. I once had a narcissistic partner. And, in common with so many, there are narcissists in my family.

I avoid them nowadays, with the benefit of painful, hard earned wisdom. But I tried for years to make those relationships work, truly believing that it was my responsibility to do so.

Narcissists are good at making others feel sympathetic towards them. At appearing needy or fragile in some way. Little girl (or boy) lost. We feel guilty for wanting to end a relationship with them.

In reality, they are self-serving egotists. Shallowness and vanity are their trademarks. They will use every trick of manipulation in the book to keep you in their life. They are emotional vampires. They need you for sustenance.

On the face of things, narcissists can seem charming, intelligent, caring—they sense what will make them seem more lovable and are expert at appearing to be whatever is wanted. They know how to entice and lure you back into their lives. But as soon as they have won you back, reeled you back in, they revert to their egotistical, real selves.

Their motto is very much ‘I’m alright Jack.’ Everything revolves around them. As an example, a friend of mine had an accident, hurting her back. She was told that she might need to use a wheelchair for a time. Her narcissistic partner’s immediate response was, ‘ You may need a wheelchair? Oh my God! How will that affect me?’

Another friend, diagnosed with cancer, was told by her narcissistic ‘best friend’ ‘Don’t worry. I’ll be here for you all the way through this. I am here.’

Great, you would think. But somehow, she was busy on ‘chemotherapy’ day. Then she became busier and busier…her phone was always switched off…she got into a new relationship which took up all of her time…

She disappeared.

These people crave admiration and cannot deal with criticism. They react with incredulity or fury. They want constant attention, and have an unrealistic sense of self-importance and entitlement.

They exaggerate their own importance, and, often very intuitive, will use their intuition for their own self-interest.

Narcissists are dangerous to others because they lack empathy.

Some have been raised by equally narcissistic parents, but this is not an inherited personality type.

Narcissists have little insight into their actions, or the impact they have on others. Frequently, they will say ‘I did nothing wrong.’ They rarely truly regret the devastation and damage they have wrought.

Of course, it’s important to remember that not everyone who posts a million carefully-posed, self-portraits or has some unpleasant personality traits is a narcissist,. Unsurprisingly however, the acting and modelling professions contain a high proportion of these individuals.

It may help, if you’re trying to decide whether your partner, friend or sister is a narcissist to think about the following:

  • Do they behave as if everything has to revolve around them?
  • When having a chat, do they always bring the subject back to themselves and appear often not to pay attention to your news or concerns?
  • Do you feel you need to compliment them a lot to keep them happy?
  • Do they trivialise your life-events or achievements, or make passive-aggressive remarks about them?
  • Do they react with coldness, punishing you if you disagree with them?

Narcissists are difficult to deal with and rarely benefit from therapy, even when they can be persuaded to try it.

If you fall in love with a narcissist, you will get hurt. The best thing you can do is leave. The true narcissist is a leech without a conscience. They can be very convincing when drawing you in, really making you believe that they’re capable of give-and-take, and true intimacy.

But in any kind of intimate relationship, you are always going to be alone to some degree with a narcissist. They will never nurture you or honour your sensitivity. Love, respect and honour yourself enough to walk away.

Here are five ways to re-claim your power when you leave a narcissist:-

  1. Grow deaf to their emotional manipulations. They will try everything, from tantrums to tears to win you back when they see you’re serious about walking away. Harden your heart-it’s their own interests they are trying to protect.
  1. Remember they have no empathy. It’s pretence. Most likely, they will replace you and find their next victim within days. With luck, another narcissist will get their hooks into them in reciprocal fashion. Stick to your guns and keep on walking.
  1. Live in the present and walk towards the future. These people are clever and will have ‘got into your head.’ Don’t be tempted to let yourself wallow, reliving the past. Focus on your own personal growth and channel positive energy.
  1. Be kind to yourself and take time to be your own best friend for a while. Fall in love with yourself for a change, and nurture yourself. When you’re healthy, whole and healed, you’ll be in the perfect place to enter any future healthy relationships on your own terms. With intact self-esteem, you will know you deserve nothing less than reciprocal and loving relationships.
  1. Don’t beat yourself up for getting involved with a narcissist. All relationships help us to grow and learn. Even the ‘bad’ experiences have value. They teach us to set boundaries and to stick to them, so that we are free to have the relationships we deserve.

Be happy!

 

 

Dog Crazy…Anyone else relate?

/ D.C. Jay / Leave a comment

Dogs

When I saw this, I had to smile. It is so me! It was shared by the wonderful folk at ‘Off The Leash’ (http://offtheleashdogcartoons.com/), and I am grateful for something which so perfectly expresses the way I am.

I have loved dogs for as long as I can remember. My parents refused to allow me to have a dog until I was twelve. So for years before, I would offer…no; plead, to walk other peoples. I still recall every one of them and they truly enhanced my childhood. I loved each one, from tiny ‘Pixie’ to majestic ‘Sheba.’ As Landseer told us, dogs have all of man’s virtues with none of his vices. I have grieved for my beautiful, four-pawed family members just as I have for the humans. Many of my friends are every bit as fervent. We love our fur-children. Continue reading →