Have you lived through trauma?

I once attended a workshop, where I was required to do that ‘introduce yourself to the group’ thing. I’ve always hated that, usually sticking to a short ‘name, rank and serial number’ type of short speech. For some reason (perhaps it was just the right time), I found myself for once, opening my mouth without a censor.

So I said ‘Who am I? Good question. I’m still learning the answer to that myself. I have changed. I am not the woman I used to be. I refuse to be scared anymore. Scared that people won’t like me if I’m real. I’m not going to hide anymore. I won’t do only what is expected of me and I won’t stay in a box of my own construction. I am breaking out of that prison and I’m never going back.’

Encouraged by the reception I got, I shared a little more of myself. Who I am now, having gone through my own personal traumas. The opinions and approval of others is no longer a necessity in order for me to function. I don’t measure my worth by anyone’s standard but by own. I allow myself to be seen. The authentic, real me, not the woman who measured every word, afraid of narrowed glances and disapproval.

The thing is, life’s challenges shatter and open us. And like seeds, we can grow from the opening.

The death of a child, spouse or parent, a serious illness or accident, escaping an unhealthy, abusive relationship, overcoming an addiction, surviving huge financial loss, the ending of a relationship that forced us to face who we really are instead of who we were pretending to be; these and other similar events change us. We live through them and if we are open enough, they leave us altered.

These challenges force us to pause and reassess. They get our attention and make us re-evaluate everything. Where we are in our lives. Who we are, and who we want to be ‘beneath the mask’ as Christopher Monte put it.

We are shaken up. After my life seismically shook, I wanted personal change. Not to become someone else, but to be a better version of myself. To re-connect with the compassionate, creative me. Flawed but unique. And worthwhile.

I wasn’t the same anymore and I needed to get in touch with this new woman.

Crises happen for a reason. Losses change us. Pain alters us. We grow from being forced to break open.

Of course there are exceptions. People who cannot or will not accept the potential of transformation. They remain closed and that is their choice. But they are missing a trick.

Our energy changes through crises. And the energy of the people around us changes in unconscious response.

A friend lost a daughter. She told me her entire family dynamics changed when her daughter died. You can’t lose a child or a spouse and not be changed forever at your innermost centre.

If you have a loved one, whether friend or family, whom you are trying to support through a traumatic life-event, accept that they will not emerge unaltered. They will be different to the person you used to know, so you have to accept that.

The extent and nature of the change will depend on them. They may grow through the experience. Or they may spiral out of control. But for the most part, they will be less likely to conform. They will probably refuse to allow anyone to push them into decisions, or to toe the line. To do what they ‘should.’ You may hear them say ‘I don’t care anymore’ or ‘Life’s too short.’ They will be different. It’s common for loved ones to find themselves saying ‘What’s going on? This isn’t you.’ Wrong. This isn’t who they were.

I have no doubt that the path I am now on is far greater than I could ever have envisioned before the trauma that fired me.

(Photo from tinybuddha.com)

You must accept the new them if you want to keep them in your life. Give your support to this new person. Love them for them. This person was forged in a fire, born out of deep trauma and pain.

They are on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth towards their most authentic self. Towards who they really are.

Who I really am.

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