relationships

Ourselves After Trauma

/ D.C. Jay / 2 Comments

Have you lived through trauma?

I once attended a workshop, where I was required to do that ‘introduce yourself to the group’ thing. I’ve always hated that, usually sticking to a short ‘name, rank and serial number’ type of short speech. For some reason (perhaps it was just the right time), I found myself for once, opening my mouth without a censor.

So I said ‘Who am I? Good question. I’m still learning the answer to that myself. I have changed. I am not the woman I used to be. I refuse to be scared anymore. Scared that people won’t like me if I’m real. I’m not going to hide anymore. I won’t do only what is expected of me and I won’t stay in a box of my own construction. I am breaking out of that prison and I’m never going back.’

Encouraged by the reception I got, I shared a little more of myself. Who I am now, having gone through my own personal traumas. The opinions and approval of others is no longer a necessity in order for me to function. I don’t measure my worth by anyone’s standard but by own. I allow myself to be seen. The authentic, real me, not the woman who measured every word, afraid of narrowed glances and disapproval.

(Photo from pics-about-space.com)
I don’t care anymore. My self-worth is based on what I think of myself, not on what other people think. I’m a bit of a rebel and I no longer apologize for that. I’m happy. But that’s incidental because even if I wasn’t, there’d be no going back. I will never again be who I once was because of everything I’ve experienced.

The thing is, life’s challenges shatter and open us. And like seeds, we can grow from the opening.

The death of a child, spouse or parent, a serious illness or accident, escaping an unhealthy, abusive relationship, overcoming an addiction, surviving huge financial loss, the ending of a relationship that forced us to face who we really are instead of who we were pretending to be; these and other similar events change us. We live through them and if we are open enough, they leave us altered.

These challenges force us to pause and reassess. They get our attention and make us re-evaluate everything. Where we are in our lives. Who we are, and who we want to be ‘beneath the mask’ as Christopher Monte put it.

We are shaken up. After my life seismically shook, I wanted personal change. Not to become someone else, but to be a better version of myself. To re-connect with the compassionate, creative me. Flawed but unique. And worthwhile.

I wasn’t the same anymore and I needed to get in touch with this new woman.

IMG_1478

Crises happen for a reason. Losses change us. Pain alters us. We grow from being forced to break open.

Of course there are exceptions. People who cannot or will not accept the potential of transformation. They remain closed and that is their choice. But they are missing a trick.

Our energy changes through crises. And the energy of the people around us changes in unconscious response.

A friend lost a daughter. She told me her entire family dynamics changed when her daughter died. You can’t lose a child or a spouse and not be changed forever at your innermost centre.

If you have a loved one, whether friend or family, whom you are trying to support through a traumatic life-event, accept that they will not emerge unaltered. They will be different to the person you used to know, so you have to accept that.

The extent and nature of the change will depend on them. They may grow through the experience. Or they may spiral out of control. But for the most part, they will be less likely to conform. They will probably refuse to allow anyone to push them into decisions, or to toe the line. To do what they ‘should.’ You may hear them say ‘I don’t care anymore’ or ‘Life’s too short.’ They will be different. It’s common for loved ones to find themselves saying ‘What’s going on? This isn’t you.’ Wrong. This isn’t who they were.

I have no doubt that the path I am now on is far greater than I could ever have envisioned before the trauma that fired me.

Image result for seed cracking open

(Photo from tinybuddha.com)

You must accept the new them if you want to keep them in your life. Give your support to this new person. Love them for them. This person was forged in a fire, born out of deep trauma and pain.

They are on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth towards their most authentic self. Towards who they really are.

Who I really am.

 

~

 

9 Ways to Empower Yourself

/ D.C. Jay / Leave a comment

Sometimes, especially when our world feels chaotic and uncertain, we start to feel that we are powerless. But we can take back our control.

Here are some suggestions to empower yourself:

    1. Empower yourself with a sense of purpose.

Anecdotes from people who have survived great challenges suggest that those who have a purpose outlast the others. Having a purpose to keep on going, a goal, something to aim for is a great motivator and offers a kind of emotional sustenance. So give yourself a goal. A reward to aim for. A reason to keep on keeping on.

 2. Empower yourself by finding a balance.

Therapists often seem to suggest that in order to cope, we must feel positive at all times. It’s all about Positive Mental Attitude. But in truth, it is more realistic and healthier to strive for balance. Positive thinking is important, and motivates us to work towards the things we want. To make them happen. Many believe that in being positive, we can actually attract good things to ourselves. But negative thinking also plays a role if we keep a sense of perspective and don’t allow ourselves to wallow. Seeing the negatives in a given situation can be very useful in helping us to identify the flaws in a plan and see where things could go wrong. From there it’s a simple step to make plans to deal with them.

3. Empower yourself by embracing compassion.

It has been said that if your compassion flows always outward and neglects yourself, it is incomplete. Being kinder to yourself and others, keeping your internal dialogue loving and positive, reduces negative, destructive emotions and vibrations and nurtures wellbeing. Let your inner voice speak to you with love and understanding. Giving to others, always within healthy boundaries, enriches our sense of satisfaction with our lives and allows our spirit to flourish.

 4. Empower yourself with tiny steps and small bites. 

Q: ‘How would you eat a cabbage mountain?’

A: ‘One bite at a time.’

Life’s trials and challenges may build character, but they can also deplete and overwhelm us. To survive intact, or even stronger, it is wise to take it one bite, one step, one thing at a time.

We may feel frustrated and impatient but those tiny steps and little bites add up. By keeping an eye on our ultimate aim, by breaking down a task into small, manageable, achievable steps we can stay focused and able to cope.

 5. Empower yourself by taking ownership of what you can control; let go of everything else.

To be strong, we must accept responsibility for our lives. For our choices and their consequences. But it is destructive to take responsibility for everything.

Some things are beyond us, and that includes the way other people may feel, act or react to us. Manipulators will try to embed a sense of guilt in us by endeavouring to make us responsible for their anger, hurt or behaviour. Tune them out. Get out of your comfort zone and stretch yourself. Get outside and breathe some air. Be in the moment and really look around you. Learn something new and gain a skill. Take charge and be proud!

6. Empower yourself by quieting the need to ‘over-think’ everything.

We need to give the people and things we care about our time, energy and attention. But there’s no need to go to extremes. Over-thinking everything can drive us crazy. Most of what happens around us has very little to do with us, although in our social-media obsessed world, the need to reference ourselves in nearly every situation is a modern habit. If we teach ourselves to take a breath and step back, we are free to reject the habit of potentially anxiety-inducing over-personalization.

7. Empower yourself to eliminate ‘neediness.’

Teach yourself the difference between wanting and needing. We all want to be liked. Problems arise when that want becomes a need. If we become dependent on the opinions and validation of others, we find it difficult to function effectively without them.

Even the strongest of us may want approval. But we don’t need it.

8. Empower yourself to ask for help when necessary.

Being strong doesn’t mean that we have to be a human island. There is strength in weakness. Everyone needs help sometimes. When you do, accept, acknowledge and ask for it.

9. Empower yourself to say no to self-pity.

If we allow ourselves to wallow, lost in a mire of self-pity, our mental energy drains away and we are in danger of sinking into quicksand. By acknowledging our pain, we accept it. Impose a time-limit. Tell yourself that it’s okay to be hurt, angry, disappointed, and to think it through, to learn the lesson it contains. Then take a breath and remind yourself that it is now a part of your past. Write down what you’ve learned, and the ways you can avoid the pitfalls from now on. Wallowing keeps you stuck. Take a step towards your future and reward yourself with something you enjoy.

You can do this!

 

 

 

10 Ways To Start Over In A New Place

/ D.C. Jay / 4 Comments

They say it’s one of the most stressful things we can do, yet many of us relocate more than once in our lives.

For some, it’s fun and easy and it can be a great adventure! But others find it harder, often left feeling lonely and finding it hard to integrate themselves into a new area. There are many reasons and much to consider. The UKs North-South divide is not only alive-and-well but also far broader and wider-ranging than in previous times. So it can be a bit of a culture-shock even for someone who is only moving from one area of England to another, never mind between countries.

If you have work outside of the home, or have children in school, the transition may be smoother, as both offer ways to make new contacts. But we have moved several times over the last ten years and as I work from home, and have no children, those avenues weren’t available. I’m sharing some of the strategies I have picked up along the way, in hopes that they may be helpful for anyone in this position. Feeling lonely and isolated is horrible. If you are feeling that way and have lost all motivation, do please seek some outside help from a GP or helpline. Anything. But take a first step towards changing things. You deserve a happy and full life. If you’re ready  for a fresh start-here we go!

Tips For A New Start:-

  1. Research your new area on-line. Is there a town or village website with local information? Is there a group or activity you could join?                                                             
  2. Go for a walk every day. Not only will you more quickly learn your way around your new area, but you will start to see familiar faces to say ‘Hi’ to as well. You could even find a local group of ‘ramblers’ to join in with if you prefer. A dog makes this easier, but if you can’t have or don’t want a pet, walk anyway. It’s a great mood lifter, healthy exercise-and it’s free!                                                                                       
  3. Check whether there are any ‘MeetUp’ (http://www.meetup.com/) activities in the area. They can be a great way to join in with something that interests you. One of their tag-lines is ‘Use the internet to get off the internet.’ They are a relatively new idea but are growing all the time! They match your area to activities and groups that may interest you. If MeetUp hasn’t found you yet, you can start a group yourself.                                                                                                                                                    
  4. See if your area has a parish magazine. They are a great source of local information and upcoming events.                                                                                                                   
  5. If you have a passion-consider sharing it. Others may be delighted to have a new ‘Book Club’ or ‘Foody Club’ to join.                                                                                         
  6. It’s predictable, but it does work-consider a few hours a week doing some kind of ‘volunteering.’ You meet like-minded folks and in some areas, can be more fun than it sounds. Organisations like the National Trust are always on the look-out for people to help maintain some of the most beautiful places in the country. Not a bad way to find your feet.                                                                                                                      
  7. If the neighbours seem pleasant, ask them round for coffee. They say ‘community’ is no longer strong, but we’re the only ones who can change that. I’ve had some lovely neighbours who remain in touch even though we moved.                                      
  8. Don’t forget your old friends. Just because you’re no longer close physically, there’s no reason not to remain close to your friends emotionally. Thank goodness for our modern age; Phones, Facebook, Email, Skype, Facetime and all our other technology make keeping in touch easier than ever.                                                           
  9. Set yourself goals, however small and give yourself things to look forward to. Whether it’s exploring a new area in the countryside or joining the local library, keep taking steps forward. It’s all progress!                                                                          
  10. Give it time. Don’t let yourself get disheartened if it seems to take ages to settle into your new home. It will happen and you are worth it.IMG_0379

Be happy and prosper in your new life!

Dog Crazy…Anyone else relate?

/ D.C. Jay / Leave a comment

Dogs

When I saw this, I had to smile. It is so me! It was shared by the wonderful folk at ‘Off The Leash’ (http://offtheleashdogcartoons.com/), and I am grateful for something which so perfectly expresses the way I am.

I have loved dogs for as long as I can remember. My parents refused to allow me to have a dog until I was twelve. So for years before, I would offer…no; plead, to walk other peoples. I still recall every one of them and they truly enhanced my childhood. I loved each one, from tiny ‘Pixie’ to majestic ‘Sheba.’ As Landseer told us, dogs have all of man’s virtues with none of his vices. I have grieved for my beautiful, four-pawed family members just as I have for the humans. Many of my friends are every bit as fervent. We love our fur-children. Continue reading →

It’s In Our Hands

/ D.C. Jay / 2 Comments

Hands. We use our hands so much don’t we? They are an endemic part of our everyday language and hold a special place in our lives. How often have you heard someone say; ‘You’ve got to hand it to her…’ or maybe, ‘Hand it over?’ When a person makes a lot of money, we say they’re making it, ‘Hand over fist.’
When we care for someone, we hold their hands. We caress, and show affection and caring with our hands. They are our working tools, operating everything from a garden spade to a keyboard, whether computer or piano.

Sometimes people are annoying. Some of them are just plain nasty! At those moments Continue reading →