Survive That Narcissistic Relationship

There’s another buzz word doing the rounds at the moment, I’ve noticed.

Narcissist

I understand the temptation, for anyone to jump at what they see as a solution to a complex problem. ‘Aha!’ they might think. ‘That explains why my partner is so difficult to live with. That’s why my daughter is so vain. He/she is a narcissist!’

But we need to beware of this modern worlds easy labelling of complex issues.

Thankfully, like most other personality types, narcissism has a spectrum. Picture a linear progression from zero to ten. Extreme narcissists may score ten, but even a five or six type can be difficult to live with, and cause all kinds of problems.

They are often charming individuals; as my mother would say ‘Great in small doses.’ But in a relationship, they can be damaging.I don’t say this lightly; it is born of my experience as a therapist and also as someone who has had relationships with narcissists. I once had a narcissistic partner. And, in common with so many, there are narcissists in my family.

I avoid them nowadays, with the benefit of painful, hard earned wisdom. But I tried for years to make those relationships work, truly believing that it was my responsibility to do so.

Narcissists are good at making others feel sympathetic towards them. At appearing needy or fragile in some way. Little girl (or boy) lost. We feel guilty for wanting to end a relationship with them.

In reality, they are self-serving egotists. Shallowness and vanity are their trademarks. They will use every trick of manipulation in the book to keep you in their life. They are emotional vampires. They need you for sustenance.

On the face of things, narcissists can seem charming, intelligent, caring—they sense what will make them seem more lovable and are expert at appearing to be whatever is wanted. They know how to entice and lure you back into their lives. But as soon as they have won you back, reeled you back in, they revert to their egotistical, real selves.

Their motto is very much ‘I’m alright Jack.’ Everything revolves around them. As an example, a friend of mine had an accident, hurting her back. She was told that she might need to use a wheelchair for a time. Her narcissistic partner’s immediate response was, ‘ You may need a wheelchair? Oh my God! How will that affect me?’

Another friend, diagnosed with cancer, was told by her narcissistic ‘best friend’ ‘Don’t worry. I’ll be here for you all the way through this. I am here.’

Great, you would think. But somehow, she was busy on ‘chemotherapy’ day. Then she became busier and busier…her phone was always switched off…she got into a new relationship which took up all of her time…

She disappeared.

These people crave admiration and cannot deal with criticism. They react with incredulity or fury. They want constant attention, and have an unrealistic sense of self-importance and entitlement.

They exaggerate their own importance, and, often very intuitive, will use their intuition for their own self-interest.

Narcissists are dangerous to others because they lack empathy.

Some have been raised by equally narcissistic parents, but this is not an inherited personality type.

Narcissists have little insight into their actions, or the impact they have on others. Frequently, they will say ‘I did nothing wrong.’ They rarely truly regret the devastation and damage they have wrought.

Of course, it’s important to remember that not everyone who posts a million carefully-posed, self-portraits or has some unpleasant personality traits is a narcissist,. Unsurprisingly however, the acting and modelling professions contain a high proportion of these individuals.

It may help, if you’re trying to decide whether your partner, friend or sister is a narcissist to think about the following:

• Do they behave as if everything has to revolve around them?
• When having a chat, do they always bring the subject back to themselves and appear often not to pay attention to your news or concerns?
• Do you feel you need to compliment them a lot to keep them happy?
• Do they trivialise your life-events or achievements, or make passive-aggressive remarks about them?
• Do they react with coldness, punishing you if you disagree with them?

Narcissists are difficult to deal with and rarely benefit from therapy, even when they can be persuaded to try it.

If you fall in love with a narcissist, you will get hurt. The best thing you can do is leave. The true narcissist is a leech without a conscience. They can be very convincing when drawing you in, really making you believe that they’re capable of give-and-take, and true intimacy.

But in any kind of intimate relationship, you are always going to be alone to some degree with a narcissist. They will never nurture you or honour your sensitivity. Love, respect and honour yourself enough to walk away.

Here are five ways to re-claim your power when you leave a narcissist:-

1. Grow deaf to their emotional manipulations. They will try everything, from tantrums to tears to win you back when they see you’re serious about walking away. Harden your heart-it’s their own interests they are trying to protect.

2. Remember they have no empathy. It’s pretence. Most likely, they will replace you and find their next victim within days. With luck, another narcissist will get their hooks into them in reciprocal fashion. Stick to your guns and keep on walking.

3. Live in the present and walk towards the future. These people are clever and will have ‘got into your head.’ Don’t be tempted to let yourself wallow, reliving the past. Focus on your own personal growth and channel positive energy.

4. Be kind to yourself and take time to be your own best friend for a while. Fall in love with yourself for a change, and nurture yourself. When you’re healthy, whole and healed, you’ll be in the perfect place to enter any future healthy relationships on your own terms. With intact self-esteem, you will know you deserve nothing less than reciprocal and loving relationships.

5. Don’t beat yourself up for getting involved with a narcissist. All relationships help us to grow and learn. Even the ‘bad’ experiences have value. They teach us to set boundaries and to stick to them, so that we are free to have the relationships we deserve.

Be happy!